The Standoff: When She Longs to Surrender and He’s Waiting for Instructions
One of the most common dynamics I see in my practice goes something like this:
She wants to be taken somewhere. Not just physically—but emotionally, erotically, energetically.
She wants to feel his strength, his clarity, his desire.
She wants to surrender.
He wants to give her what she wants. But he doesn’t know what that is.
He’s trying to be careful, respectful, tuned in.
He wants guidance—some signal that he’s getting it right.
She doesn’t know how to ask.
He doesn’t know how to lead without a map.
And neither of them knows how to bring it up.
So no one moves.
Each waits for the other to go first.
Mutual Longing, Mutual Fear
Underneath this tension is a shared ache:
She wants to be ravished—but without having to script it.
He wants to ravish—but only if it’s clearly welcomed and safe.
And here’s the harder truth: neither partner has been taught how to navigate the deep vulnerability of this realm.
We ask men to lead erotically without showing them how.
We ask women to receive without teaching them to feel safe in their bodies.
We shame men for trying and falling short of the mark.
We shame women for wanting.
So the armor goes up. We default to roles, strategies, and trying to think our way through it.
What Happens Next: Criticism and Collapse
Many women—feeling unmet, unseen, or untouched—lash out at their partners with criticism.
They say:
“You’re not doing it right.”
“Can’t you tell what I want?”
“You’re so disconnected.”
But here’s the truth behind that sharp edge:
The criticism is often not entirely about him.
It’s displaced frustration at her own disconnection from her body, her desire, her truth.
She’s angry that she can’t feel.
She’s angry that he doesn’t know how to lead her out of her frozen.
She wants to be met, but she isn’t home in herself to be found.
When women are disconnected from their bodies, it’s often safer to control, criticize, or perform than to feel the ache of disconnection or vulnerability. But this very impulse to manage or “fix” the man creates the opposite of what they long for.
Meanwhile, Men Are Lost in Shame
For many men, the erotic realm is not just foreign—it’s threatening.
They carry the weight of silent expectations:
Be strong, but not too forceful.
Take initiative, but don’t cross a line.
Lead, but only if you’re absolutely sure it’s what she wants.
Beneath the surface is shame.
Shame for not knowing.
Shame for getting it wrong, or being too much, or not enough.
This shame doesn’t just block arousal—it blocks presence. It pulls you into your head, into performance, into freeze or retreat.
But Eros is a place where you must do a counter-intuitive thing:
Respond from felt experience.
The usual tools—logic, achievement, reasoning—won’t work here.
In Eros:
You must feel before thinking.
Observe and be impacted before acting.
Slow down enough to feel what’s alive, not just what’s expected or what’s worked before.
And there’s an invitation to play—not perform, not control—but play with what’s arising.
That might mean attuning to the tears behind her frustration.
Meeting her resistance with softness…or ferocity.
Letting desire take unexpected turns.
Pausing instead of fixing.
The erotic doesn’t live in what you already know.
The Way Out: Growing the Skills That Make Real Intimacy Possible
This dynamic isn’t a failure. It’s a call to grow.
Here’s what each partner can practice:
Skills for Her: Longing to Surrender
Sensual and Emotional Awareness
Learn to feel your yes, no, and maybe in your body. Reconnect to sensation.
Permission to Not Know (While Learning to Want)
You don’t need to know exactly what you want in every moment, but it’s your work to feel and express what’s true. Let desire emerge through curiosity and movement.
Redirect While Staying Connected
When something isn’t working, pause or shift it without abandoning yourself or disconnecting from your partner.
Release the Critic
Notice when critique is a mask for your own disconnection. Get curious: “What am I actually feeling?” and then “How do I want to express it?”
Play with What’s Arising
Let go of the idea that surrender must look a certain way. Play with what’s true in the moment: pleasure, discomfort, hesitation, laughter, tears. Let it all have space.
Skills for Him: Wanting to Lead
Embodied Presence
Root into your body. Let her feel your presence before you move.
Emotional Resilience
Stay open even when she’s messy, uncertain, or reactive. Lead by staying, not fixing.
Intuitive Attunement
Drop the need to “get it right.” Instead: feel, try, listen, adjust.
Respond from Felt Experience
Let your next move arise from what you feel—not what you think you should do. Let connection shape your action.
Play with What’s Arising
Meet her in real time. If the mood shifts—stay with it. If she laughs or tears up—lean in. Erotic leadership lives in responsiveness, not controlling an outcome.
What You Can Practice Together
Play with polarity. Take turns leading and following—with consent and curiosity.
Debrief after. What worked? What didn’t? What did you feel in your body?
Let it be messy. The magic is in the real, not the perfect.
Beyond the Standoff: When Desire Becomes a Dance
The deeper truth is this:
Intimacy is not a transaction.
It’s a practice. A risk. A remembering.
You don’t need to be perfect.
You just need to show up—honest, embodied, and willing to dance with each other.
If this dynamic feels familiar, you’re not alone.
This is the territory I support individuals and couples in every day. If you’re ready to explore these patterns in a space of curiosity, safety, and growth, I’d be honored to work with you. Book a free consultation here.
