Low Libido or Something Deeper? What Desire Differences Are Really About

One of the most common issues couples bring into my practice is mismatched libido. It’s often framed simply: “My partner wants sex more than I do.”

But beneath that description is a complex, layered experience.

Libido differences aren’t just about how often someone wants sex.

They’re about what sex means to each person.

What it feels like.

What’s missing.

What hasn’t been said.

Here are some of the most common reasons I see libido fading, spiking, or becoming mismatched in relationships:

Emotional Backlog

Unspoken resentment, unresolved conflicts, or unmet needs create invisible walls. When emotional safety is lacking, the body closes. Touch becomes tension. Requests feel like pressure. A backlog of emotion can silently shut the door on intimacy.

Capacity Differences

We all have limits—emotional, energetic, physical. If one partner is depleted from work, caregiving, trauma, or simply the pace of life, they may not have much left to give. When we exceed our capacity, we disconnect from our bodies—and from our desire. This doesn’t mean disinterest; it means overload.

Not Knowing What You Want

A lot of people don’t have low desire—they just don’t want the kind of sex they’ve been having. They might feel bored, disconnected, or even repelled by routine or performance-based sex. But they don’t have a clear alternative yet—so they withdraw.

This can look like low libido… but it’s often a call for something new, more honest, or adventurous.

Identity Shifts

Major life transitions—parenthood, aging, illness, career change—can disconnect us from our erotic identity. Desire doesn’t always follow us through these changes without intention. Many people aren’t turned off by their partner—they’re disconnected from themselves.

Unspoken Desires or Shame

What turns us on can feel vulnerable, even taboo. If our desires feel unsafe to name, we tend to bury them. And buried desire doesn’t disappear—it disconnects. This can include kink, fetish desires, non-monogamous impulses, or even wanting more romantic intimacy before sex. Sometimes, what looks like “low libido” is actually unexpressed longing trying to stay hidden.

Lack of Differentiation

When emotional closeness becomes fusion—where the “we” swallows the “I”—desire often fades. Erotic energy thrives on the space between two autonomous, alive selves. Without differentiation, the erotic edge gets dulled.

Desire Needs Space to Breathe

True desire isn’t just about frequency—it’s about freedom.

Freedom to be fully yourself in connection.

Freedom to say what you need and how you feel.

Freedom to feel safe in your body again.

Freedom to want—or not want—without judgment.

In my work, we don’t try to “fix” mismatched desire. We get curious. We listen. We explore what your body is saying—what your relationship is trying to surface—through the language of libido.

So, what if your desire—or lack of it—wasn’t a problem… but an invitation?

An invitation to come back to yourself.

To find new language for your wants.

To explore what safety, autonomy, connection, and aliveness mean for you now.

If this resonates, I offer coaching and workshops for couples who want to explore this together—with openness, compassion, and real tools for connection.

Schedule a free consultation if you’re ready to begin.